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Lucky

When I started thinking about my word for the year, one word kept coming to mind.

Lucky.

I balked at the word initially. I even tried to Christianize it (I blame my evangelical roots). I thought about blessed, but that fell flat. I believe God blesses me (and will continue to do so), but it seems weird to make goals on God’s behalf. And blessing is more of a noticing and being thankful thing than a make-it-happen thing. I’m very much a make-your-own-luck sort of girl (I think. It’s complicated. See below.). So I’m purposely stepping away from the more Christian-y terms.

I didn’t want lucky to be my word. I wanted something I could control or guide. Something I could actively seek. Something I could plot with color-coded charts and short-term goals that lead up to a big finish. But if it was that easy, wouldn’t everyone be lucky? Okay, not everyone. But as goal-driven and strategic as I am, if that’s the way it worked, wouldn’t it at least be easier for me?

I’m not really feeling lucky. In fact, for a while, I’ve felt like I’m a person for whom things just don’t work out. I’m not really excited about my job and I can’t think of a job I’d be excited about (except professional reader. I would be excited about that. Someone pay me to read.). I don’t have a lot of luck with relationships. Actually, relationships baffle me. I’m baffled about how to make something like that even get started, much less work long term. I think I am okay overall most of the time. Other people have worse luck, to be sure. But I have a nice little ho-hum life where nothing exciting really happens. Nothing that I would consider particularly lucky.

The day before Thanksgiving, I had a minor meltdown that blossomed into a panic attack. The trigger was all too familiar. The morning was going so smoothly until I went to check the oil in my car. It was low, which was not surprising. No big deal. I have been trained since I knew how to drive to always make sure there is oil in the back of my car (and if I lapse, I can always count on a new bottle magically appearing in my trunk when I visit my dad) for just such a circumstance. So I went to add some. The bottles were leaking in my trunk…where I had just put my bags for my trip home. I was so proud that I had made time to be able to load the car before work (plus I was going to be 30 minutes earlier than usual so that there was someone in the office during my coworker’s week off *pats self on back*). Then this. So the precariously stacked deck of “I’m fine – everything’s going just fine” came tumbling down (it did that a lot last year. A LOT.). I cleaned up the oil (thankfully, the bottles were in a larger tub, so the mess was confined to what dripped when I picked it up out of the tub). I moved my bags and all the other items in the trunk that I didn’t want smothered in oil (just in case the tub tipped over on the long trek to the farm) to the backseat (please no one break into my car during the workday). Did not add oil, because at this point, I’m running ridiculously late (so…not early at all, despite my careful preparation), and I had to change my clothes so that I didn’t smell like motor oil all day. Prayed my car made it home (it did, so at least there’s that).

And this is the story that runs through my head:

This wouldn’t have happened if:

– I had a job where I made enough money to afford a car that doesn’t burn oil like that’s its job.

– I knew how to take care of everything in my life with no assistance.

– I had time to take care of everything with no assistance.

– I had some damn assistance. Like…some permanent, obligated-by-legally-binding-contract-but-mostly-assisting-just-because-he-wants-to assistance. Which is to say I want a partner in a way that feels pathetic because I do feel pathetic that I can’t handle everything all the time. Not to say that a person who would be a good match for me would know the first thing about regular car maintenance. But maybe he could do the dishes while I figure it out. That would be nice. To handle things together, or at least to divide and conquer. Or perhaps just to have someone else who has a vested interest in seeing the problem resolved because it affects me and we are linked so the things that affect me affect him, too.

Of course, if I just had that great job, I could afford to outsource everything that I didn’t want to learn how to do. No partner needed. Problem solved. Kinda. Still want the partner. And wanting love is enough reason to have it. (/psa)

This year, I’d like to change this story. Ideally, of course, the part of the story I’d like to change the most is the plot (i.e., add meaningful job + livable wage + partner + etc.). To actually be lucky would be the easiest way to feel lucky.

But when do I do things the easy way? I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself.

I want to start by noticing the ways that I’m already lucky. I’m not talking about putting a positive spin on things that aren’t the way I want them to be. In my experience, that only results in the precariously balanced stack of “fine” that tends to come toppling down at inconvenient times to which I was referring earlier. I’m talking about noticing what I do have working for me so that I’m better equipped to enlist those qualities to change what I don’t like about my life.

I think. I actually have no idea how to turn my luck around. But that’s where I’m starting anyway.

I don’t want to waste time lamenting that I lack the discipline or training or talent or experience to make life work the way others make theirs work. First, I don’t actually think this is true, although I act like I think it’s true when I am feeling wallow-y. Second, there’s nothing stopping me from investing time, discipline, training, etc., in what does work for me.

I need something to work out this year. Not like “oh what a nice birthday I had” (although I do always enjoy it and expect that it will be super fun). But that isn’t enough anymore. The “at least I have my health” stories. I want something big.

I may ask for advice later, but I’m in the stewing stage right now.

I expect lucky to be empowering. And hard. And infuriating. And exciting. And refreshing.

I expect to be lucky this year.

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Friday Five 4

We have a half day at work today, so as of noon, I begin my 1.5-week holiday break! Before I go, though, I want to leave you with five things I loved this week.

  1. I love a well-curated book list. I’m pretty sure these books will make me want to visit/move to Hawaii.
  2. I love this story! Yes, let’s all be superheroes.
  3. I am thinking of taking up cross-stitch again (because my house doesn’t already look enough like Grandma’s). These patterns would be a great place to start.
  4. I feel this post HARD. The advice portion was so freeing that I bought her book.
  5. I told my friend Jessica that I have discovered what I want to be when I grow up – baby big cat swim coach.

Hope your weekend is great!

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Image-1 (11)

This month went by super fast! There was one tree at the beginning of the month in the lot where I park at work that had shed all its leaves (as if to say, “Come on, you guys – it’s time! Don’t be late!” I feel like that tree understands me.), but now they’re all turning/shedding. And I love it.

November has been busy, but happy busy. I had a minor writing delay when my laptop crashed, but my sister and brother-in-law gave me one of theirs, so I’m back on a roll, and just in time for the holidays! Here’s how the month went.

What I’m into reading or listening to:

  • Darius the Great Is Not Okay by Adib Khorram is a gem of a book. I love the perspective and the sweet friendship he forges when he goes to see his family.
  • I’m getting through Anna Karenina. I recognize that I’m in no position to critique a translation from Russian, as I do not know a lick of Russian, but I’m going to critique it anyway. I’m liking the story line and character development, but I frequently run across a passage where I think, “I bet that was beautiful in Russian. Too bad this phrasing is awkward and awful.” I may check a copy out of the library and see if that goes better.
  • I attending the UNT Jazz Singers’ fall concert/CD release party and picked up their new collection called A Thousand Nights. Highly recommend.

a thousand nights

What I’m into doing:

  • A Club Pilates location opened in Denton, and I am obsessed. I love Pilates on the reformer machines! If you’re in or near Denton, and you’re curious, you can take a free, 30-minute intro session.
  • Our Housing holiday party was fantastic. It was beautiful, the food was awesome, and they gifted everyone with a free ham or turkey. As you can see in the picture at the top, I couldn’t decide what to drink. So many choices. I made them all.
  • I enjoyed Thanksgiving with my family. We only made four kinds of candy this year (one didn’t make it into buckets because it was only a small batch). I only suffered a minor burn, which is better than I usually do. I think my family actually enjoys the chocolate-covered salted peanut or pecan clusters I make to use up the excess chocolate more than they like the actual candy.
  • Speaking of chocolates, I refreshed our fair trade stash at church and put out a table with samples of chocolate, coffee, and tea. Hopefully the information I collected there can help guide our purchases better so that the products get bought before they go stale.

What I’m looking forward to:

  • There is a coffee crawl scheduled next weekend, and I’m very excited about it. It’s a fundraiser for the Explorium (a children’s museum in Denton), and I am happy to drink coffee to support them.
  • I’m also very excited about Christmas break. I am looking forward to having that time off.

What are you into these days?

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Day 6 – Roger

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Roger: A Walkie Talkie Production

Jeff: I’ve got a delivery for the director ready. Who wants it?

Cassidy: I’m about to give this family a tour.

Trevor: I have class in five minutes.

Scott: Roger that. I’m on it, boss. Over.

Roger: What? Did someone call me?

Meiya: No…Scott was just letting Jeff know he got the message.

Scott: What? Oh, yeah. Roger that.

Roger: *static noise* What is that? What do I need to do?

Trevor: Nothing, man. Everything’s taken care of.

Roger: Okay. Cool. Let me know if you need me.

Jeff: We’re missing one of the bikes – does anyone know what happened to the red one?

Meiya: I think one of the admins borrowed it for an hour or two.

Scott: No – I have it. I just finished a tour and am heading back to get the director’s delivery.

Jeff: That’s cool. Remember to log your checkouts in the future.

Scott: Roger that. I’ll remember that next time. Over.

Roger: What? I didn’t take it.

Scott: No, I said I have it.

Roger: Oh, I guess I misunderstood. I thought I heard my name.

Cassidy: Scott, stop saying “Roger.” It’s so confusing. We all know you get the message when you respond to it. You don’t need to tell us you got it.

*Pause*

Scott: Roger that, Cassidy.

*Communal groaning*

 

I’m writing 31 days of short stories (although some are more snippets). Click to see the master list.

 

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photo 4

What I’m always into is the book stack on my bedside table.

This month is the last month Leigh Kramer will be hosting her What I’m Into link-up. I missed the deadline for linking up, but I wanted to take a moment to mention how much I have enjoyed this community of bloggers. Even on the months I didn’t post, I would read through the posts linked there. I love reading about what other people love. This group has multiplied my to-read list, improved my skin care regimen (whoever recommended Acure’s Brilliantly Brightening Day Cream? I am forever indebted.), added to my recipe repertoire, improved my taste in wine, and given me more movie and television recommendations than I could ever finish in three lifetimes. I’m going to miss it, but I’ll still post monthly(ish) updates on what I’m into and, since I follow a lot of the people who were a part of it, perhaps I will link to their posts so you can reap the same benefits I have (albeit on a smaller scale). I’m so grateful to Leigh for hosting for so long!

Right now, I’m getting back into the swing of things as the regular schedule picks back up. Church is busier because all my groups (choir, writer’s group, book club, etc.) are meeting again and also because this year is our 50th anniversary, so we’re planning shenanigans for that. Our service project got rained out last Saturday, but maybe we’ll reschedule on a weekend I’m free.

Speaking of book clubs, I’ve joined yet another one, this time at work. Tomorrow is our first meeting, and we’re discussing Evicted by Matthew Desmond and Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson. I have read Housekeeping before but Evicted is newer. I recommend both, and I’m excited to talk about them tomorrow.

August at work is super busy, but it’s slowing down now. We got the residents moved in and are shuffling them around as we find spaces that aren’t booked and are able to accommodate requests and fill in some off our waitlist. We should be pretty full by the end of September.

I hosted my annual Hemingway party (where the food is good yet simple, like his prose, and the party is alcohol-laden, like the author himself) late this year, so the crowd was smaller. We still had a good time. It’s always fun to catch up with people.

This month, I’m looking forward to the Denton Blues Festival (this weekend!) and having a little time off from work.

 

What are you into these days?

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Friday Five2

A quick *wave* and hello as I zoom through the afternoon. The full-time job is busy; SEO writing is busy (because payment issues from the full-time job…grr…glad to have a fallback plan but it really sucks for those who don’t). So there are these things:

  • Jeanette LeBlanc wrote a love letter to writers and my response is *makes flirty eyes*
  • I love libraries for all these reasons (and more) and agree that articles (all articles, really) should be written by someone who knows what they’re talking about and also maybe a more thorough job by an editor would have caught that as well but I digress. Yay, libraries!
  • I love Hännah Ettinger’s writing, and this piece took my breath away.
  • I have never in my life been this excited about a graphic novel – Pamela Ribon’s SLAM!
  • I love this NYT article about the joy of missing out (or for those who like acronyms, JOMO – “FOMO’s benevolent younger cousin.”).

 

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Not Friday Five

My most recent newsletter (click to subscribe) outlines a little bit about my reasons for being quiet around these parts lately. I’m restructuring some priorities, to put it mildly.

It’s no wonder then that the links in my inbox that catch my eye talk about change and restlessness and anxiety (also, that’s just pretty much the nature of my inbox in general, but I digress).

The words that have resonated recently:

  1. What if the work we see to do isn’t a burden but the way we were meant to be in the world? What If by Austin Channing Brown.
  2. Jenny Lawson is one of my favorite people on the planet. This post makes me out-of-my-mind happy. I want this so bad for her (and the rest of us).
  3. Maybe you’re going through (or thinking about initiating) a major life change. Adjustment disorder is not so rare. Consider talking to someone about it.
  4. The only business plan that matters? Keep going – from Over the Rhine.
  5. Wil Gafney’s sermon on Michal is exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe you do, too.

24in48 is coming up next weekend, so I’ll see you again then, if not before. I hope you’ve had a great weekend!

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